I’ve been reclusive lately, shying away from most anything social and keeping to myself in hopes of finding balance and achieving my own inner peace. I’m going to be blatantly honest: everything is a mess. Absolutely everything. From my car, to my apartment, to my desk at work, to my body, and everything around me. My own little world is full of chaos and so many firing neurons, it’s hard to focus. But, that’s just it. It’s life. Life is happening all around me. Life is bringing me up and down lately, pulling me sideways, and ripping me apart, just eager to find that balance. I can’t focus on just one piece because it all so greatly needs my attention, it’s almost like I need a twin. Or a triplet. Or a septuplet. With an ever-growing to-do list, it’s as if the chores and errands will never end. When one item is sliced off the list, another fills the slot with as much importance as the one before. With everything at the same priority level, it’s practically impossible to know where to even start.
I won’t go into details about all that’s going on, but I can assure you, I’m okay. At least, I will be. We’ve all been here--so overwhelmed with life, it’s hard to see the light at the end of a tunnel, to feel when your lungs can gasp for air again, to know when everything is settled, when everything is back to normal. I feel like my tunnel is forever long, under construction with more and more added every few steps. If it’s not one problem, it’s another. Whenever one issue is resolved, another arises. I’m not much of a pessimist and usually do what I can to push my personal issues aside to focus on my day-to-day tasks, but lately, it seems it’s all closing in. The world I’ve built around me has started to crumble, leaving only traces of a different yesterday behind. Everything is so heavy and so completely draining, it’s all taking its toll. I’ve had countless meltdowns and numerous conversations with myself and others to find peace, and it seems to be therapeutic and beneficial for the time being, at least. But, I know this is not over yet. For now, the madness of the holidays is quickly settling in, but I look to the new year with hope, grace, and faith in my journey.
Despite everything going on, I’m choosing to get up when I’ve fallen down and look forward to a better future, somewhere down the line. A firm believer in “everything happens for a reason”, I know this all serves a purpose and there’s a lesson somewhere in this disorientated state of mind. I have yet to discover it, but while I search for the meaning, I’m asking for your patience and your support. If you’re reading this now, know that you are important to me. You hold a significant place in my heart and I appreciate you. Even if I don’t say it enough.
We’re all just trying to get through this thing called life. One step at a time.